So in my creative writing class this semester (good ‘ol English 130) we were given the assignment to create a fictional family and make them as bizarre and colorful as possible. We were to do this by creating blurbs for each family member describing different aspects of their personality. After completing the assignment, I thought that this was something that I should share with the world (and by “the world” I mean all 4 of my mom’s friends that read this blog—shout out to you guys!) However, at the risk of losing my debit card and/or causing some hard feelings at the next family reunion, I would like to restate that these are FICTIONAL characters and are not my actual family members. I may or may not have thrown in some semi-truthful elements in there, but by and large what you are about to read is a product of my own disturbed imagination.
A Tribute to My Beloved Family
Andrew (Brother) Age 22
Macho, meathead college football player. Eats a dozen eggs a day and snorts protein powder to try and perfect his muscular bod. Has been diagnosed with a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as evidenced by the three fathead stickers and seven posters of himself adorning his dorm room wall. He has been known to spend a significant amount of time admiring his own jawline in the mirror and can frequently be heard singing “Let It Go” at the top of his lungs in the shower. He’s also watched every episode of One Tree Hill three times but won’t admit it when confronted.
Olivia (Sister) Age 14
Typical melodramatic teenager—has fantasies involving all of the different members of One Direction, but especially Niall. When asked about career interests she answers that she wants to “do what the Kardashians do” and so she’s currently looking for a B-list rap star that she can make a sex tape with that will rocket her to stardom and gain her the admiration of basic white girls everywhere. She enjoys reading primarily three genres of novels: books about teen romance, books about vampires, and books about vampires in teen romances.
Eleanor (Aunt) Age 48
Still living in 1983, naively assuming that her perm has not yet gone out of style. Proud owner of 15 turtlenecks and a pair of Sketcher shape-ups to help tighten up her “loose caboose” as she calls it. Her only friend to date is a long-haired Persian cat named Mr. Snuggles who’s tried to eat her in her sleep twice. Sadly, she considers Cracker Barrel to be the epitome of fine cuisine and the film Sharknado to be the apex of American cinema.
Greg (Uncle) Age 61
Is currently on his third mail-order Russian wife (the first tried to kill him and the second ended up being a man.) Is susceptible to fits of random kleptomania—has been known to steal camo cargo pants from Good Will and entire bottles of parmesan cheese from Pizza Hut. The whole family was worried when he went into kidney failure a few years ago and ended up spending 5 years in prison for obtaining his own transplant organ off of the black market from some poor sap in Nicaragua. I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Pop (Grandpa) Age 76
A good ol’ southern country boy who still says things like “yonder” and “reckon” and has enough guns in his house to outfit a small insurgent army. Hates only 5 things in life: 1) Obama 2) the Obama administration 3) Obamacare 4) Obama car stickers and 5) the state of Hawaii because it gave us Obama. Insists that he used to walk 2 miles to school, barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways despite this being a geographic impossibility. He’s also an avid hunter who keeps deer heads hanging on the walls in his basement whose eyes stare into your soul and give you traumatic complexes as a child (and no, I don’t want to talk about it,) Moving on…
Donna (Mother) Age 54
Certified hypochondriac—watches Dr. Oz every morning and has Web MD as her homepage. Currently believes that she has Hashimoto’s disease which I’m pretty sure is just a type of kung fu. Is a compulsive couponer who’ll come home from Costco with 17 crates of mustard because it was buy 16 get 1 free. Has a new workout fad every week that inevitably backfires—she dragged me to a hot yoga class at the YMCA last week that ended up being specifically for people 65 and up with arthritis. It actually wasn’t so bad until Ethel’s teeth popped out during the arching three-legged dog pose…
Dave (Father) Age 52
The most technologically challenged in the family—tried to order a Snuggie off of Amazon and accidentally created a Tinder account and now has a date set up with a blond named Amber at Chili’s next week. He’s also the stingiest in the family. He was investigated by child services when we took a family trip to Disney 7 years ago and he made my little sister curl up in one of the suitcases so we didn’t have to pay for an extra airfare ticket (spoiler alert! It didn’t work.)
Stuart (2nd Cousin) Age 45
Was homeschooled and has homeschooled all of his children; as a consequence it’s possible that he still believes that the earth is flat and that the sun revolves around the earth. He stirred up rumors of his being a member of the Illuminati when he wore his “Illuminati Bonanza 2012” t-shirt at the last family reunion but he assured us that he had just borrowed it “from a friend.” Also, he has an acute fear of public speaking and werewolves, and meticulously documents his bathroom habits on his Facebook page.
Ashton (Me) Age 20
Ahh, me. Well, in my free time I enjoy staring into the abyss and contemplating the direness of the human condition. I’m proficient in two languages: sarcasm and wittiness. I care more about the fictional characters on my TV shows than I do about real people. My talents include insulting people without them realizing it and drinking sweet tea. I hold the strong belief that hoodies are acceptable to wear for any and every occasion and Jimmy Fallon is my spirit animal. My personal mantra for my life is “Haterz gon hate” which I got tattooed in Comic Sans font across my chest a few years ago. Unfortunately, now people just assume I have some type of weird Taylor Swift fetish.