Bachelor in Paradise Lost

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So my mom loves to watch The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. And I have to admit, I watch it with her sometimes. I do this for four reasons:

  1. It gives me a good laugh
  2. It makes me feel better about myself
  3. It’s always a good refresher on how not to be a decent human being
  4. It reminds me that college is not worthless and I need to study

And yes, I know, I’ve probably just gravely insulted moms and teenage girls everywhere whose only motivation to get through Mondays is to see that suspenseful, emotion-filled, totally scripted, melodramatic rose ceremony. However, I have nothing but ridicule to offer to the show. But why keep the ridiculing to myself? Why not do the world a favor and share it? When my mom told me the two hour premiere of a special season of The Bachelor was airing this past Monday night, my interest was piqued. It’s called “Bachelor in Paradise” and it has previous contestants (aka losers) from other seasons of the show living on a beach together and hooking up and giving each other roses. People not receiving roses at the end of each week are sent home, so this is basically Survivor except that instead of surviving the elements they have to survive each other’s basic, superficial personalities. So I did what anyone else would have done and grabbed my notepad and jotted down all of the disparaging thoughts that I had as I watched the premiere. If you missed it Monday, here’s basically all you need to know:

  •  Woman, take your 5 inch heels off, you are walking down large, sand-covered steps. You literally look like you’re scooting down on your butt right now.
  • Why do the women gotta wear heels anyways?? The men get to wear flip-flops. The restrictions imposed by a patriarchal society!
  • Is that guy wearing a choker necklace?
  • Why does this guy have his shirt off already? Like they’re all just sitting there.
  • Her boobs are waaaaayyyy too big.
  • See. She just tried to take her cover-up off all sexy and smooth-like but it got caught on her big boobs.
  • Bro, why are you wearing a tiny bright red speedo? Unless you’re a European model/soccer player, that’s gonna be a hard “no.”
  • Should they really be out swimming alone at night in the ocean? That kind of sounds dangerous—they’re going to get eaten by a shark or something.
  • That would be real drama.
  • Why do one of the women have to go home this week, huh? Why is it up to the woman to impress the man and try to win the rose?? The restrictions imposed by a patriarchal society!
  • Lacy says that Graham is meant to be with her—they’re soul mates. She’s only just met him but she “follows him on social media.”……….*Kip from Napoleon Dynamite voice* “I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin’ pretty serious.”
  • These people do know that the others can always go back and watch these episodes and see all the horrible things they said about each other, right?
  • They’re all just actually really awkward.
  • Is she talking to herself? Yep. Totally talking to herself.
  • The music in this show is giving me anxiety—did they rip off the Jaws soundtrack?
  • Is this girl talking to a raccoon? Is the raccoon talking back? Why are there raccoons in Mexico??
  • You don’t want drama? Really? You came to a televised hookup contest with a dozen other attractive, promiscuous people because you don’t want drama?
  • Don’t even try to speak Spanish, you’re all such gringos.
  • You’re all basic, douch-lord tools too.
  • That cabana and pool look pretty nice though.
  • Did Marquel just reference Paradise Lost? Does he even know what that is?
  • Robert: “I got bit by fire ants!” Claire: “Oh my gosh, you got bit all over!” BITTEN. BITTEN. Past freaking participle, people.
  • I hope Claire and Robert fall off those ruins.
  • As far as ruins go, those ruins suck by the way.
  • Claire has now referred to herself in the 3rd person twice….
  • Why is she rolling in the sand? You know that boy don’t wanna hug you now, he’s probably thinking “Ew sand no don’t frickin touch me.”
  • This is some really deep conversation….. “Your eyes are pretty”…………*vomits*
  • Please, somebody pick the black guy to go on a date with. He’s honestly the nicest looking one there.
  • “Traje de baño” means bathing suits you wingnuts, not “toilet.”
  • Lacy, you can’t pick every guy, like that’s not how the competition works.
  • She’s cried twice in 24 hours.
  • “I need some fresh air” says Lacy as the wind blows through her hair through the open cabana…
  • I need a diagram to keep all of this straight.
  • This show is just like a bunch of cliquish high schoolers on an island. With alcohol. Lots of alcohol.
  • Why do all the women have such munchkin voices?
  • Did those two just do a secret handshake?
  • Seriously, this 30-something-year-old man is wearing a choker.
  • YES! She picked the black guy! You go Marquel.
  • Oh my gosh Marquel is riding a white horse on the beach and looks just like the guy from the Old Spice commercials.
  • See if I was on that island, I would totally just lay in the hammock and eat all day and not talk to anyone else.
  • Lacy just said she’s split 80/40 on a decision between two guys. 80% to 40%.
  • He just used the world “overexceeded.” Isn’t that redundant? And like, not a word?
  • She said they’re doing some last minute “conversating.” We’ve got some wordsmiths over here using their creative licenses.
  • Why do they all keep talking about “deserving to be there”? Why do any of them deserve to be there?
  • This one dude looks like a dad who’s going golfing with his work buddies after going to Home Depot and Applebees.
  • That girl totally left the show just because she knew she wasn’t going to get a rose.
  • Did the producers wait for a thunderstorm to come up in order to make the rose ceremony more dramatic??
  • All these girls look exactly alike.
  • DOUCHE BAG!
  • Claire just referred to herself in the 3rd person again.
  • Wait..why the heck aren’t these people boogie boarding? I would totally be boogie boarding at this beach. They’re really missing an opportunity here.

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