I have always hated Twitter. Always, always, always. This doesn’t keep me from using it all the time, however. I swore up and down that I’d never get one and now I’m on my 894th tweet, which I think is a sad commentary on my will power, but that’s for another post. Now don’t get me wrong, I think Twitter can be useful for staying in touch with people or being informed about the latest breaking news. But overall I find it extremely annoying and I wouldn’t waste my time with it if I didn’t feel so cut off from the outside world when I didn’t use it. I think the main reason I dislike it so much is because of what other people tweet all the time—I just sit there and scroll and get angry. People just tweet the most melodramatic, stupid, cliché things, don’t they? I think the lack of originality and the narcissistic nature of most tweets is really what bothers me. To prove my point, below I have come up with my list of 20 different types of “Twitter personas” if you will, which I basically consider the annoying patterns that seemingly everyone tweets in. Please enjoy the following satirized examples.
1. The Deep Thinker: So if I exist and clams exist…am I a clam? #deeptweet #latenightthoughts
2. The Fake Enthusiast: So glad I got to spend time with this person that I see at most twice a year and care nothing about and yet I feel obligated to tweet otherwise!
3. The Beggar: If someone were to bring me a triple caramel macchiato with extra chocolate sprinkles, a PlayStation, your first-born child, and the sword of Excalibur I would love you forever
4. The Haters Hater: Gotta leave all the haters behind you they just tryna hold you back and by haters I mean parole officers #breakfree
5. The Dubiously Tardy Student: OMG I’m so late this morning class starts at 8 and I woke up at 7:57 and yet somehow I still have time to tweet about it
6. The Weatherman: Can’t believe how cold it’s gonna be tomorrow! *attached picture of an iPhone weather app screenshot showing 55 degree weather over the next two days*
7. The Pity-Partier: Ughhh I have so much to do and am sooooooo stressed out rn! *distressed emoji* (even though I play no sports, have a 1.3 GPA, and participate in no extracurriculars)
8. The Plagiarist: *types verbatim a tweet tweeted by another account 2 months earlier and tries to pass it off as their own witty creation*
9. The Clueless Quoter: “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” –T.S. Eliot (I have no idea who T.S. Eliot is and I was using this quote in reference to drinking)
10. The Inside Jokester: My professor just said that Texas sure is a big state LOL!!!!!!!!! @gorillaface @ghettofab @poserboy @yagirlcindy
11. The Song Lyricist: “Girl shake that booty meat, that booty meat, shake that booty meat, that booty meat, girl shake that booty meat, that booty meat, shake that booty meat, that booty meat, girl shake that booty meat.”
12. The Heartbroken Dramatist: I wish you wouldn’t have left me in the way you did because the pain feels too great to move on from (my goldfish died)
13. The Humble Bragger: So blessed to have received the award for best dog groomer in the tri-state area for being the best dog groomer here is a picture of my award and a link to an article about myself because I am the best dog groomer
14. The One-Upper: my ability to jump to irrational conclusions about the quality of my life versus yours>>>>>your ability to jump to irrational conclusions about the quality of my life versus yours
15. The Random Verse Generator: Micah 5:8 (I tweeted this so I sounded spiritual I have no idea what this verse actually says please don’t look it up)
16. The Makeshift Confucius: One must always strive for the future because the past can never be changed until time travel is invented and then one must change oneself and then go back and change the past and subsequently change the future
17. The Whiny White Girl: Today is just ugh like I can’t I just can’t even I want Starbucks I want to watch The Bachelor someone come cuddle with me
18. The Netflix Addict: I started Breaking Bad 2 days ago and am now on the 47th episode and have neglected all aspects of personal responsibility and hygiene in order to do so
19. The Self-Announced Klutz: So I just fell down 7 flights of stairs in front of all the hot football players it was so embarrassing I wanted to die! (but I want all of cyberspace to know about it)
20. The Unathletic Bandwagonner Chick: Tom Brady is the best short-stop in the NHL because he’s hot and gets a ton of rebounds and he’s going to lead the Cincinatti Cowboys to the World Cup!
See what I mean?